The Other Side of the Coin

There are many incidents over the course of my life that I think about now and then, with my thoughts now being quite different from what they were then. Things I've learned, experiences I've had - they've changed my perception of what happened in the past, even if only through interpreting the meaning behind the actions. I'd like to share a couple incidents, minor things that seemed of no import at the time, in the hopes that other people might learn from them as well. I'm quite aware that some people will be amused it would take me years to really appreciate what these incidents meant, but I can be a slow learner and I think there are others out there who have yet to learn these lessons.

It will be helpful to know a little bit about me from a physical standpoint. I'm a white guy. I'm tall and lean, clean-cut and deferential. You could easily find my wardrobe in an L.L. Bean catalog. I've been an athlete all my life but I'm also a big geek. All those things factor into my stories.

When I was in grad school at UCLA a bunch of us would get together for homework sessions on campus. We'd often work until midnight and then head into town (next to campus) for a beer (or more likely some ice cream). One night, as our group was leaving the physics building, still discussing Maxwell's Equations and force vectors, a young woman approached us and asked if we were headed to town and if she could walk with us. We said sure, no problem. I didn't immediately understand why she wanted to tag along. But we continued as a group, crossing the dark and empty campus. When we reached the city streets which were well lit and full of people the young woman thanked us and went her own way. Only then did I realize she wanted the protection of a group. She didn't know us, didn't know if we were really safe, but she must have decided the risk of approaching us was less than walking alone.

A few years later, still in Los Angeles but no longer in school, I was walking home alone from my local Mexican taqueria in the dark. A few blocks from home in my relatively safe neighborhood, I spotted a woman walking towards me by herself. I noticed as she looked up, saw me, then quickly crossed to the other side of the street. I didn't think much of it but after she passed I glanced back and noticed she had crossed back over to the my side again. She had avoided me on purpose. How silly, I thought. I'm about as non-threatening as they come, and if she had stayed her course the worst I would have done would have been a short hello and a friendly smile. Her loss.

But both of those women made a calculation. Both had to quickly assess the situation, take what they saw and make a judgment about what was going to be the safest course of action. They chose what they thought would minimize their risk. Were they right?

It doesn't matter. The point isn't about the accuracy of their assessment but the fact that they had to make it. I almost never make that judgment. Never really think about it. There was that one time I was in a foreign country, walking around some ruins in the dark by myself when I wondered if I should be thinking about such things. Then I decided I was being silly and continued on my way. Those women, and all women, think about it all the time. They have to. They should.

There have been situations where I get anxious and feel the need to make judgments to minimize my risk - mostly social situations since I'm an introvert (and still a geek). I think most of us know this behavior, but what we don't often appreciate is how often other people have to engage in it. How often those who are more disadvantaged than us, especially physically, must make such calculations simply to go about their normal lives. It must be exhausting.

So now, when a woman crosses the street to avoid me, or doesn't make eye contact on the bus, or sees me out with my wife and approaches to talk, I understand. I don't take offense no matter what way the interaction goes. I don't even try to go out of my way to convince them I'm safe. I do my best to simply let them make their own judgment and trust that they are doing what they need to in order to make it through their day.

To those who constantly have to make such decisions and hope they guessed correctly - I see you. To all of the others, like me, who are much more likely to be seen as a threat than to feel threatened, take some time to really think about what the other side of the coin is like. Don't just cut them some slack, but do whatever you can to make the world a place where such risk analysis is unnecessary. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone was as carefree as you and I?